SHIINE study; Regret!

I didn’t know it would end up like this-my life torn apart like a piece of rag. Like a bottle smashed into pieces. Is this what they have been fighting for, I mean my parent- oh! Such wonderful people they are. I could remember how they were so caring, they were the best parent in the world- hey, that was some years back and I never adhere to any of their advice, I was such a fool, yes a big one at that. How did I know it would end up like this, of course, if I had known, it wouldn’t have been so…so stupid, but what is the point in knowing the future when you have today to build, to decide? My life has brought me so much grieve, so much pain that I just want to kill myself. Oh! The dreams, the big house, the cash, all are gone. God, God! Are you really there? Are you watching from the throne of yours the believers preached about? But why would you care when I didn’t seek you?

Was I a prodigal son? No! he was even better, at least, he had a father to apologize to but I, I killed mine indirectly- my father, a man whose legacies would live on forever, how I wish you were beside me in this times I need your counsel the most, if you can hear me father, I am so sorry for all the pain, I know you deserved better, forgive me. I know you must be thinking of my mother, the poor old woman, what can she do? Twenty years ago, she was the woman her contemporaries would dream to be, she was not only beautiful but was also very rich but now, calling her a shadow of herself is an understatement because of what I did to her. I heard she is not hitherto a mad woman. Oh! My family, what a pain I am disguised as a son. What have I done?

My story is a long and sad one, but I will try as much as possible to make it short. What I can’t do is to reverse it; it will always be a sad one and believe me, it will. I have tried to forget it, but it seems impossible, I have tried to put an end to my life but I couldn’t. What haven’t I done? God! What anguish have I brought upon myself? Oh! How I cry as I write this, believe me, you wouldn’t want this life of mine even on a platter of gold, this life of regret.

I was born in to a wealthy family and the only child. I could imagine the joy of my parent after I was delivered- at last, God has answered their prayer. They never knew that I was a devil in disguise that I would become their worst nightmare but they didn’t care. They were glad I was there, a bouncing baby boy-a gift to look upon. I know they would have been looking forward to the future – especially my father, “now I have a heir to my wealth”, he must have murmured. 15 years after that memorable day, it has begun- my true self- I became the talk of the neighbors, of the teachers at school. I was the don. With the connections of my parent, I saw myself in the university against my will- now I know they meant good, they wanted me to see my mates who were doing something positive with their lives- but that was the most wonderful thing they had done for me. I met them, yes I met my friends, I met the people who ruined not only their lives but mine also. We were the campus dons, we were the unseen who were very much seen. We became notorious people on campus,

Of course, words reached home of what I was, my parents were embarrassed, they tried, they tried all they can but what can they do, am the only one who can set myself free, I am the only one that can use my powers, I am the only one who can decide my future not them, yes I remember hearing the preachers telling me about self-motivation. But they just wanted to help. They just wanted to invest, to counsel me, they just wanted to do their holy duty as parents but I never allowed them, I didn’t give them a chance even with all the love them gave me. Oh! What have I done?

I can’t… I can’t run away from this pain, I have lavished the gain, I have spent it now, I suffer the debt I owe to this life. Hmmm yes life, you are so not forgiving in nature, you take as you give… what am I doing? Putting the blame on something I know doesn’t matter, we take what we want from life. Life is what we make out of it, it is actually, a servant to you and I. Believe me, I speak out of experience, I have gone through that part. Where was I in my miserable story… am I this stupid? Who would answer this question whereas I write alone in this remote place?

I could remember how we graduated, we were afraid of our lives, looking around like those living in a war zone during the war. We were looking around as if a bullet will hit us, we were insecure. What was the matter? There was a war going on between us and our main rival, it was a dreadful day - some of my ‘brothers’ lost their lives. Today, I ask again, God why didn’t You take my life, at least I wouldn’t be suffering like this? But as my neighbor will always say, “the counsel of thy lord will always stand”.

He had a better idea! He wanted me to write to you, to share my burden with you, to explain what not paying life’s price could cause in the future. To tell you how important having a dream, focus, determination and discipline could also do in someone’s’ life. I was saved on that dreadful day to carry my pain alone…wait a minute! I was saved that day to carry yours too; yes my experience can save you from making a similar mistake.

I am hungry and my eyes are weak. I can’t lift my body any longer and my hands are begriming to get heavier…I am dying! My eyes are growing weaker as I write and I barely see what iii write. Please don’t…don’t end up like I did and do wellllll….do well to advice oth……………………..